I want PEACE in my life. I want a Peaceful home.. oh wow.. but how is that possible with 4 kids running all over the place? I am a mom. I get worn out and I get grumpy some days. Are you ever like that? Do you every lash out at your kids and then feel guilty because you did? Well... here is my story... it isn't a pretty one but it is honest and open and I feel like I need to share it.
My Journey of Peace through Trust begins. For me that day was March 28th.
It feels awful. Nothing in the world compares to the pain of hurting your child physically or emotionally. It happened one too many times. I tried over and over to stop acting this way and nothing helped. It started when I was an early teenager. I have extreme emotions... anger comes so strongly that I do things that I later regret. As a youth it was bad but add the hormones and chaos of having children and now it was 100 times worse.
I read so many books on how to be a good mom. I even found one book about how to stop yelling at your children!! I was so excited and started reading it only to become disappointed by how hard it seemed. I decided to put it off until I had time to focus on it more it seemed too complicated to try to follow all the steps the author pointed out that worked for her. The problem with putting it off is that the problem didn't go away. Sometimes I would yell so much my throat would hurt so bad for days! Sometimes I grabbed my child's arm in anger only to realize that in my anger I had hurt them. Sometimes I said mean things to my children or my husband. Sometimes I hurt my child by spanking them. I hated it. I hated myself when I acted like that. I watched as they became me.
All of a sudden when they were faced with challenges... they hit. All of a sudden when someone didn't listen to them... they yelled. I was even more ashamed of myself. They learned from my bad example how to deal with chaos and challenges. I had to change! But how!? I willed myself to change thinking that if I put my 100% focus on it every day that I could power my way through it. NOPE. Fail. I thought that if I wore a bracelet to remind myself of my commitment to them that I would be kind and peaceful I could change. It helped for a while... then I lost the bracelet... FAIL. We met with a counselor to see if he could help me with my emotions. FAIL.
Then the day that was the turning point for me. It was 3 months after our 4th baby was born. We had family in town to meet him and celebrate him. All chaos was breaking loose. I was yelling and yelling as we tried to get our kids dressed from the pool and race home. I felt like no one was listening to me. The more I yelled and panicked about us being late the more the kids fought. Then... the moment I cringe to think about. The moment I will never forget. The EPIC FAIL moment. I hit my 5 year old daughter on the forehead. I told myself it was the only way I could think of to snap her out of her crazy fight with her older sister but I knew better. The look my husband gave me broke my heart. I had broken his trust and I had crossed a line. My daughters look broke my heart. She hid behind her father as to gain protection from her monster of a mother. Still my husband just looked at me. Disappointment in his eyes. Sadness. Anger. I waited for him to yell at me and tell me that I was a horrible mother. I wanted to hear how he loathed me now because of what I had done because I loathed myself. NOTHING. Just silence. He is much more patient than I am. He didn't say a word. I kept trying to pry it out of him. I deserved it. I was still steaming and was looking for a fight. Who does this? Who tries to have chaos?
That night I cried and cried. When did I become a monster? When did I become a mother that my children would fear? I had to change. But I felt so lost. So consumed by it. It was such a part of me that I didn't know how to rip it out of my soul. It is who I am! I am not a patient person. I get angry easily. I get stressed out easily. I get so worked up that some days I want to just run away and hid from it all. How do you change that?
Then the next day came. My baby's special day. He was going to be blessed. I didn't want anything to ruin this special day. I wanted to feel the Spirit and feel peace and calm. I prayed so hard for me to be kind and patient today no matter what! It seemed like the adversary heard my prayer as well as Heavenly Father because he tried to get me to fail from the start. Off with a bang our oldest child decided that she was going to be a handful. She said hurtful things to me about our previous day. She was testing me. I held firm... I cried... but held firm. Nothing was going to rock this day.
The day went great! I was glad. We fed 40 people and I was able to stay calm and not stress out over it all. If only I could do this every day!! I have had temporary success before. A few days here and there with each method but then it is like a volcano... all of a sudden it is too much and I erupt. I was worried I would do it again.
That evening my father and mother in law were visiting with us and about ready to leave when my husband asked if I would like a Priesthood blessing to help with the busy week of spring break coming up. On a side note... my husband is a CPA. This means that February through April 15th we don't see him very often. People often refer to me as a tax season widow. Spring break was looking pretty scary from that point of view. My mom who had been helping a lot since the baby was born was unavailable to help that entire week! And for the first time I would be left on my own all day long! YIKES! Not good for someone who gets worked up easily. Ok so... once my husband asked if I wanted to have a Priesthood blessing I all of a sudden felt that I needed to bring upmy weakness and ask for help. It hit me so hard and so suddenly that I didn't question it. I didn't have time to be embarrassed that my in laws would now know my secret. I get angry. As I explained to him what I needed a blessing for I cried. I bawled. I really wanted to change. I didn't know how to go about it!
The blessing was beautiful. Afterwards I was told to TRUST away my problems. I couldn't overcome my weakness by shear will. I couldn't do it. That is when it clicked. I couldn't! I knew that. It took acknowledging that I was weak to become strong. I also was told to share my experience with others. As I contemplated this I realized that in order to share my positive outcome I needed to share the embarrassing background. It hurts to share what I was. Where I was. I hope that in doing this that somewhere someone is struggling like me and that my journey can help them.
So there it is. I invite you to join me on my Journey to Peace if you are struggling like I was. Lets beat this.
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